Life’s Sanctuary

What do I see when I stare at my own reflection in the mirror? What do I hope to gain by looking at it?

I’ve always wondered… who am I? what do I want in my life? what is the reason of my existence? Tell me, "Who am I really?" I just can’t seem to figure that out. I’ve seen myself a thousand times in the mirror and all I see is just an ordinary girl, confused and trapped inside that shallow space, wanting to break free but unable to do so. Why is it so? No matter how I try to help her, no matter how much I try to reach to her, I can’t seem to break through. It’s frustrating and painful to wanting to do something but can’t…

What can I do? What am I supposed to do? I just don’t have any idea at all. I feel lost in the world… with nothing to hang on to.

I hope someday, I’ll find my way… and be able to see a different light when I look at my own reflection. Maybe then, I’ll finally be able to move on forward.

I know it’s been a while my lonely blog.. Sorry if I haven’t posted much, there’s nothing interesting to write about anyway. But right now I just so need to vent.

Ugh, I’m so mad right now that I feel like banging my head on the wall. Of course there’s no way that’s even possible, which makes things worst because I can’t do anything to let it out. (I wish I had a punching bag) The only choice I have left is to type it all up and let my keyboard feel the wrath of anger. Mwahaha! Take that you stupid keyboard! (I hate it because it’s so noisy when I type and it’s irritating me)

Anyway, what I’m so mad about? A lot of things… SP’ers, Yaminions, Sanjaya (Get off the freaking show!), Sanjaya’s hair (I’ll shave it all off and leave you bald!), Avril’s song "Girlfriend" (It’s irritating!), Homework, Exams and all the other things that keeps bothering me today. It’s silly right? But there’s another thing that I really hate right now, I’m just not going to mention it.

::sigh:: I really want to scream. AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Well that doesn’t help at all. God, my chest really hurts… It’s so hard to breathe. ::inhale:: ::exhale::

Time for some music……..

"Lean on me! When you’re not sttrrrooong. I’ll be your friend, I’ll help you carry on. For it won’t be loooonngg.. Till I’m gonna neeed somebody to leeEaan on."

We all need somebody to lean on…..

For some reason I just can’t seem to relax. I should go get a drink or something so I can sleep like a log. By the time I wake up, it’ll be time for American Idol and hopefully they send someone I hate home tonight. Please let it be Sanjaya (But I highly doubt that, people vote for him out of satisfaction.) if not him, Please let it be Chris Sligh (I can’t stand the guy, he’s so damn arrogant. And he tries hard to be funny).

Guess that’s it… This is really pathetic but whatever.

After a year and a half of not doing anything other than staring in my computer all day long and obssessing over Katharine McPhee (Which I’m still obssessed with by the way), I finally attended my first day of classes last Jan. 13th. It started out okay, I guess. My teacher is kind of okay, not so great in teaching but whatever. Although I doubt that she’s a teacher in the first place. I think the reason why they chose her was because of her 20+ years of experience in the Medical Billing Field. I’ve got no complaints though… My classes only happens like once a week during Saturdays from 8:30 am-12:30 pm but she sometimes dismiss us 2 hours earlier (Hell yeah!) before the dismissal time. So yeah… It’s all good.

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Okay so I’ll tell you all about my first day of school. I was really nervous that day because I had no idea what to expect. Once I got there, I felt a little insecure. My classmates ages’ ranges from 19-40+. I definitely was the youngest and the smallest from the bunch. And that really bothered me at first. However, as the class went out, I kind of felt okay. I mean, I shouldn’t let thoughts like that bother me. None of them cares what I look like anyway (Although they might be a little confused because I really look like I’m still in middleschool) it’s not like I’m still in High School. Once the class ended, I was relieved that it’s finally over. She just gave us a couple of homeworks to do and asked us to study Chapter 1 since she’ll be giving us an exam by next week. (I got an A+ the next week, it was so damn easy! I wouldn’t really call it an exam) That’s pretty much it.

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Hmmm.. What else? Oh yeah, I’ve learned a couple of Japanese words just by watching a dozen of animes. (Hehe!) It’s kinda weird because everytime I watch one now, I feel like I can understand what they’re saying. So I guess, it payed off. Now, I don’t have to take Japanese lessons. LOL!

That’s it for the moment. See yah!

A year and a half has passed since I came here and to be quite honest I haven’t done much since then. I’m still not at school, nor do I have a job. It sucks really. But what choice do I have? I was supposed to be at school this December (or was it November?) taking a mere "Basic Drawing Techniques" class but then they suddenly cancelled it due to low enrollment. So that gives me another 2 months for vacation, lol.

Now I will sum up the year of 2006.

January

US National Championships. Sasha Cohen won the gold medal and is declared the US Champion. She will also be a candidate for the upcoming Winter Olympics on February.

February

It was the month of the Winter Olympics and I was rooting for Sasha Cohen to win the gold medal in the Ladies Figure Skating Competition. That would have been the most nerve-wracking thing that has ever happened to me. I could barely sleep during the last and final day of the competition where they would announce who the winners are. I swear, I never want to go through that whole ordeal ever again. (Isn’t it funny? Even though I’m not the one competing I’m still going paranoid about it. LOL!)

In the end she won the Silver Medal.

After that, I believe they went to Calgary for the World Championships. Everyone expected Sasha to win the gold but she failed to deliver and ended up getting the bronze medal. Fellow teammate Kimmie Meisner won the Gold.

March

Katharine McPhee ended up as the Runner-Up on American Idol. I voted 4 hours straight for her during finale night and the next morning my fingers went numb. It was all worth it though. Kat is my American Idol and will always be. I wasn’t at all the dissappointed that she didn’t win, because it’s not the end of her career, it’s just the beginning.

April

Spent my time on various message boards. Nothing much happened on this month.

May

My Bestfriend’s Debut Party which I didn’t get to go. She still haven’t sent me any pictures at all. Maybe it’s a payback for me not giving her a birthday present? Mwahaha! Oh well…

June

Hmmmm… Nothing significant.

July

Nothing much either.

August

13th Day. Went to the 2006 Champions on Ice Tour. I didn’t get to meet any of the skaters but I still had a lot of fun. I wasn’t really feeling well that day, I was sick, so being inside the arena didn’t really help at all. It was freezing inside. But still, I’m happy because I finally got to see Sasha Cohen skate live and I’m telling ya’ she was absolutey breathtaking! I felt like crying during her entire performance.

26th Day. Went to the American Idol’s Live Tour. It was probably the most exciting thing I ever did. I got to meet a lot of Kat Fans in the Los Angeles area and some even from Canada, Hawaii and San Francisco who went all the way there to see Katharine and the other Idols. I can still remember the orange glowsticks and the orange t-shirts. Hehe! Oh and I got to meet my friend Maddie there. She was great! and I’m glad I met her.  Also the other Kat Fans as well. But most of all I finally got to see Katharine McPhee perform live. She was beautfiul! and her voice is soooo enchanting. I kept screaming and screaming her name! It was just so surreal. And the coolest thing was she waved right at me! It was a great feeling!

September

Onee-chan! My brothers birthday and I did send him some money as a present. Also the end of the American Idol’s live tour so we’re anticipating Katharine’s Debut Album.

October

Onee-sama! My sister’s birthday. Sent her some money too cause she kept demanding it. They’re totally taking advantage of me! What do you think I am?! An ATM Machine?! Oh well… She better make sure that by the time she comes here, she’ll pay me back. Mwahaha!

November

I turned 18. No big deal. Slept over at Sam’s place and watched this really weird movie. LOL. Had a party with my family. It was fun. Hmmm.. What else? Oh right..

19th Day. Went to watch The Grove Tree Lighting Spectacular. Got to see a lot of celebrities including Jojo, Aly and Aj, Brian McKnight, Ashley Tisdale and the rest of the Cast of Highschool Musical, Beverly Mitchell, Wilmer Valderama, John Ondrasik of Five for Fighting, The Cast of Unaccompanied Minors, Elmo? Haha!, Jesse McCartney and of course Katharine McPhee.

December

Busy speculating Katharine’s highly anticipated Debut Album which will be in stores on January 30, 2007. Got a new cellphone. New mp3 player. (My mom accidentally washed my old mp3 player during the laundry) Can I get a new PS3 next? Ahaha! Just kidding! The release of Kat’s CD Single I Lost You/Dangerous. These songs are freaking awesome!

****Overall, I guess it’s safe to say that this is probably one of the Best Years of my life. I got to do a lot of things and met a lot of celebrities which was just so surreal.

I gained a lot of friends from various boards. All of which are Kat Fans. And it’s fun talking to all of them. They’re amazing people! So I want to give a shout out to all the people I know on the boards.

-Maddie

-Philly guy

-Irene (gravinski)

-Renee (mcpheever_fan)

-Yuv (yuvaram)

-Faye (xtina)

-Cheskie (cheskie)

-Lin (luv4lltn)

-Ken (kenneth)

-Simon (pheenomenon)

-Minnie (minnie)

-Nancy (vadia)

-Micheal (katidol)

-Bill (uplink2)

-Trist (trist)

-Shiloh (shiloh)

-Saph (saphfrykm? not sure about the username, lol)

-Basilisk

And a whole lot more who I occassionally talk to….. I’m really thankful to have been able to talk with them all. They’re such great people!

I’m really grateful for everything. Also to my very own friends back home, I miss you guys! And thank you so much for the pictures and the letters that you guys sent me. You have no idea how much they meant to me. So thank you, thank you sooo much. Luv ya’ll!

And to my brother and Kate. Thanks for the card and greeting! Oh and the angel too! I love it so thank you! I really do miss my most annoying brother ever, lol. Just kidding! I really wish you guys we’re here so I can make your lives miserbale. Mwahaha! Okay, I’m kidding again. But seriously, I’d rather choose your rants on politics than having to seat around and be bored to death here. Haha!

For my sister who I don’t recall sending me a Christmas greeting when I sent her fifty bucks for her birthday and then still demands  a Christmas gift from me. Salamat guid ha?! Appreciate ko gid ang gn hatag moh! Ah wait? Daw wala man! Din na gift kow?! Harsh…. Pwez, no Christmas for you. Nyahaha! Well, I really didn’t send you one. LOL! Way nako money noh! But anyways I miss you. If you do come here, I’m gonna have to ask for my own room with my own television and computer if not, burawun mo gid na karon! kag indi gd ko kabulos! Nyahahaha!

Para naman kay Nanay Tina. Nay! I miss you na rin! Halongz ka gd da ha? Nahidlaw nako sng mga linuto mo. Pati na gd ang apan-apan. Haaaiii… Ang Balot pa gd. Nyaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh… Hulata lng ko da nay ah.. Mabalik gd ko dah! Ehehehe!

Kay Cathy kag Che2. Yo! How are you na? Nyahaha! Halongz lng kamo da ah! Hidlaw naman ko sa ka dunggol nyo. Mwahaha! Advance Merry Christmas cnyu tanan. Mayo pa kamo ano? ((sigh)) Oh well… T cge Happy New Year pa gid.

Kay Tata, Inday Kath kg Aileen. Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! Kd2 na d kamo tanan! Boring d!

Guess that’s it.. I’ve written quite a novel here. I’m sure no one will read it anyway. I suddenly feel like an idiot for writing now. LOL! Well who cares I already am an Idiot. Toodles!

Potential Singles?

Yes, I was surprised to learn that Katharine has a CD coming out on Dec. 19th. It’s not exactly the album but rather 2 song tracks.

So, I’m thinking that either of this 2 songs might just be her Single.

It’s exclusive for Walmart only. (That means you can only get it at that store) The release date was supposed to be on the 19th but someone was able to find it on one of the Walmart stores. Obviously we got to hear the two songs before hand. And I must say, it’s freaking AMAZING! I love both of the songs but I want her single to be "Dangerous" just because it’s a more uptempo song and we’ll surely be a hit song. Plus, Nate Hills a.k.a Danja (The one who Produced Promiscous, Maneater) was the one who produced this track and written by Kara Diuogradi (Written songs for Kelly Clarkson, Hilary Duff, Ashley Simpson) while "I Lost You" was  written and produced by The Underdogs.

Lyrics for "I Lost You"

I Lost You

VERSE 1
I could take this room and this house and this bed
Just as long as I’m feeling this way
And boy, since you been away, I can’t sleep
I’ve been awake
I just lay here tryin to deal with this pain

CHORUS
Four walls and no you
The silence in this room is so loud
No one else can fix it but you

It’s just so hard to face
I lost you
Why’d I throw your heart away
Now I’m going down like I’m on the ground
I lost you
I lost you

I’m sittin here wishin I could change the past
Knowing deep inside, can’t get my baby back
I lost you
I lost you
Oh baby I just can’t stand the way that I lost you

VERSE 2
I can try to put the pieces of the picture back together
But it just don’t look the same
Feel sick, I need a medic (?)
Cause my heart’s not beating
And I feel like I’m slaving (?) away

CHORUS again

BRIDGE
And I don’t know how I’m gonna make it
I’m going crazy
But maybe somehow you can find your way
Find your way back to me

It’s just so hard to face
I lost you
Why’d I throw your heart away
Now I’m going down like I’m on the ground
I lost you
Now I’m so sad I lost you

And I’m sittin here wishin I could change the past
Knowing deep inside, can’t get my baby back
I lost you
I lost you
And I can’t stand the way that I lost you

It’s just so hard to face
I lost you
Why’d I throw your heart away

Lyrics for "Dangerous"

I never should have let my guard down.
I wish I never knew all the things I found out.
(I wish I would’ve been more careful.)
And maybe I wouldn’t be running from misery.
Oh no, in the beginning gave me everything i need and more
I’m tired of dealing gotta figure out how to even the score.
(It’s payback, gotta make him feel it)
Playing with my feelings, ladies, i’ma tell it all.

(Be on the lookout when he’s coming to your area. I fell in love with him once, girls, I’m telling ya)
I wish I knew what I know now. I swear it never would’ve went down.
Dangerous. He’ll steal your heart away, then run and play.
He’s dangerous. Protect your heart, he’ll tear it apart.
Dangerous. He’ll steal your heart away, then run and play.
He’s dangerous. Protect your heart, he’ll tear it apart.

I didn’t see the crash that burnt the bridge.
I didn’t see the missle that sank my loveship down.
(Oh, I felt the hit, it was as hard as a brick. It made me shift, and left me damaged.)
Dealing with the pain was so hard.
I can’t believe the things that he did to leave me scarred. And now..
(It’s payback, gotta make him feel it.)
He wish he never did it, but it’s too late to turn it around..

(Be on the lookout when he’s coming to your area. I fell in love with him once, girls, I’m telling ya)
I wish I knew what I know now. I swear it never would’ve went down.
Dangerous. He’ll steal your heart away, then run and play.
He’s dangerous. Protect your heart, he’ll tear it apart.
Dangerous. He’ll steal your heart away, then run and play.
He’s dangerous. Protect your heart, he’ll tear it apart.

I wish I never fell in love and maybe it wouldn’t hurt so much.
Inside, I tried to keep it in, my heart is screaming for revenge.
(Caution me before you cross that path, you never know, what’s up ahead.)
Don’t let him trap you up and get your love because…

He’s dangerous.
Dangerous. He’ll steal your heart away, then run and play.
He’s dangerous. Protect your heart, he’ll tear it apart.
Dangerous. He’ll steal your heart away, then run and play.
He’s dangerous. Protect your heart, he’ll tear it apart.

You can listen to the songs on my Profile.

I’m not asking for anything in particular. All I want is a mere simple Christmas Greeting from my family and friends…

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Okay, okay, okay I’m lying. Actually I have a lot of things that I want for Christmas. (Yes, I’m that selfish and spoiled!)

First off, I want a Sony Playstation 3 Console. I know, I know I just turned 18 and I still want to play video games. Who cares really? I can’t freaking help it! I love playing video games! It’s a hobby of mine so back off!

Seriously though who wouldn’t want to get their hands on a Playstation 3?

In today’s world it’s all about High Definition.

From HDTV to HD DVR’s and now HD Gaming. So hell yeah! Everyone wants to have everything in High Definition!

PS3 also features the Following:

Blu-Ray Discs

HDD (Hard Disk Drive) comes with either 20 GB or 60 GB

SIXAXIS Wireless Controller

So yeah, I so want a PS3. But I know it’s not likely going to happen. Why did they have to make it so damn expensive anyway?! ((sigh))

Alright well on the the next one…

Hmmm.. I want a Sony Cybershot Digital Camera. Ever since that American Idol Tour, I realized how crappy my camera was so I want something better. (Or maybe I was just a crappy photographer? Nah!) I think the most important thing is that I can take clear shots even though I’m so far away.

What else? I think that’s probably it. So I hope Santa gets me these.. LOL! I’m sure he can pretty much afford it he’s Santa Claus after all.

HELL YEAH! Finally! One of my picks get to win!

Although I did root for A.J but when she got eliminated I wanted CariDee to at least win it.

And Thank God she did! I kinda liked Melrose too, but the girl is just so full of herself. In the judging panel she was so darn confident that she would win because CariDee messed up in the Fashion Show. But yeah that’s what you get… So in the end CariDee won! woohoo! The good thing is that i’ll get to see her face in the next issue of Seventeen Magazine. I’m a subscriber so I would be extremely dissappointed if Melrose’s face ended up in that cover.

So happy! Very happy! Go CariDee!

Dec. 3, 2006

BIG in 06 awards

Katharine freaking WON! Woohoo! Yeah! I’ve been voting my ass off for her how could she not have?

She totally deserves it! She’s everything that an "IT" girl is supposed to be. Smart,  Beautiful, Talented and Famous!

Also the video montage that they made for her was awesome and the commentaries they had were mostly positive which is so cool because the others got crappy commentaries.. this is vh1 after all.

here is one of their comments for her: "She can be the next Mariah or Whitney" (Very true!)

Now here is Kat’s little speech. First off though it was so funny that Xzibit (He’s the one who presented the award for Big IT girl) pronounced ‘McPhee’ as ‘McPhay’ LOL! and Kat repeated it before she got up onstage. Hahahaha! It’s good that she can laugh about it. (Well she’s a goofball after all, she really can’t take it seriously)

Okay so here’s what she said:

Kat: "Thank you so much,[laughs] love you too….um…..big it girl….wow…thank you, I think I had a little unfair advantage coming from American Idol, my fans surely know how to vote. So um, thank you SO much to my fans, it’s really about you guys, because I know you guys probably spend hours and hours voting - So, thank you so much!"

Awww… She’s so adorable! Hehe! and she looked really nervous at the beginning which is so cute. *wub* gotta love her!

Katharine BIG IT girl of 2006!!!!!!!! Wootwoot!!!

Well I don’t really have anything to say about this. The cover will speak for itself! *sticks out tongue* Honestly though I’m just speechless so that’s why I’ve got nothing to say.

*stares at the pic again*

*dies*

*born again*

*stares at the pic again*

*dies the second time*

*born again*

*hesitates to stare at the pic, otherwise i’d be dead again*

Okay since i’m still alive i’m just gonna go and say it… Kat has the perfect body! Hehehe! and she looks gorgeous!

That’s it! (I’d love to post the entire article but I’m too lazy to do it now.) Chao then!

I’ve only started watching American Idol this season but I have to say this has got to be the best season ever! Even though I haven’t watched the previous seasons of Idol, I can guarantee you that Season 5 is the most talented of the bunch. For this year alone, 4 Idol’s ended up with a recording contract and they are: Kellie Pickler (6th place finisher, I think), Chris Daughtry (4th place finisher), Katharine McPhee (Runner-Up) and Taylor Hicks (Winner).

The first one to come out with an album was Kellie Pickler who went down the "Country" route. I’m not sure if she debuted at no.1 in the country charts but I think she did and then she was 6th or 9th? at the Hot 200 on the Billboard charts. (Forgive me for the lack of information but I never really followed her career, lol)

I’ve listened to some of her songs and the first one was "Red High Heels" which I really love listening to when it came out. And then my most favorite song on her album would be "I wonder" it’s a really sad song. I wasn’t able to buy her album though, just donwloaded the songs that I liked. So overall I think her album is really good. (I’m a fan of country music so I didn’t have a hard time liking the song) If you’re interested in learning more about Ms. Pickler and if you want to listen to some of her songs go to Kellie’s Official Site.

Okay so on to the next one.. This time it’s Chris Daughtry releasing  his album on Nov. 21st entitled "DAUGHTRY". The genre of his album is Pop/Rock I believe.

And I have to say, his album cover Rocks! Hehe! Well duh obviously!

Okay so down to his songs. His first single is called "It’s Not Over" and ummm… I didn’t really like his songs that much, or should I say his voice.  I’m not saying that he’s not a great artist but I’m just saying that I’m not a huge fan of his voice. I usually like Pop/Rock music kind of like the one’s with Nickelback and All American Rejects. But I guess for me it depends on the voice and the songs. To each his own. So if you want to hear some of his songs and if you want to learn more about Daughtry then go to this link: Daughtry’s Official Site.

The third one to release his album is the current winner of American Idol, Taylor Hicks. Well actually he’s just about to release his album on Dec. 12th. It’s a self-titled album and his genre is umm… Soul/Blues? Sorry I don’t really know. LOL! But somewhere along those..

Okay so I’m not the biggest fan of Taylor Hicks but I tried to listen to some of his songs and maybe give the guy a chance. (Trust me, I really really tried) But to no avail. His single "Runaround" is umm.. I mean, I didn’t really like all of his 3 songs. But again that’s just my opinion. Well that’s all I can say. If you want to listen to some of his songs and learn more about him go to: Taylor Hick’s Official Site

The last one to release an album would be my idol Katharine McPhee. Her debut album will be released on Jan. 30th 2007.

Don’t be fooled with this album cover, lol. It’s not really her official one. (A Kat Fan made this one and I kinda liked it, Hehe)

Her album cover and album title is yet to be announced.

Katharine will be going down the Pop/R&B route which I am so looking forward to hear. Recently 3 songs were release on Promosquad.com and the name of the artist wasn’t revealed but we figured out that it was in fact Katharine singing those songs. (She confirmed it later on in her Myspace page) The title of the songs were "Open Toes", "Over It" and "Each Other". (You can hear these songs on my profile page.)

Those 3 songs were only DEMO’s though so we’re not sure if it’s going to be in her album. But all I can say is I so LOVE those songs! Now I can’t wait to get a hold of McPhee’s album! I bet it’s going to be awesome!

If you want to learn more about Katharine go to: Katharine’s Official Site

***I swear that these reviews are based on my opinion of the songs and is by no means a result of me being a Katharine Fan.